Everyone seems better at parenting than I am....

My son is screaming. I am the one responsible for addressing this...I cannot. His crying hurts me. It makes me cry. I must be codependent. Being a mother is really really hard. It's really really hard without a mom. not that I ever had a mom...

And I really really miss my mom, because she was really really good at making up excuses like fairy tales and then reciting them over and over and over again until they got stuck in my brain and now they are all I can hear while I am trying to stay centered and my son is still screaming and crying.

My dear neglected blog

Dear blog,

You are one more neglected thing in my life. It seems I am always neglecting something and I'm pretty sure I know why that is. Because I was neglected and this is the way I get back at those who neglected me, by doing it to myself. Look, I get it that my logic here is a little wonky. Wonky tonky in fact. It's just that this is the way it is right now. I hope you can understand and I hope you can forgive me and mostly I hope that you can be very very patient with me.

Thank you,

v to the d

Song dance of the women behind me...

The women who came before me

Who bore me

and raised me

were amazing

in

How well

they did dwell

in the past

on the pain

making everything

a

miserable

scary

insane.

Being a good mother...

My mom always said "I am sorry I am such a bad mom" which caused us to think on what made her such a bad mom. She did not have to do this. She could have said "I am the greatest mom in the world." and while this probably would have been equally annoying, perhaps it would have pointed our minds in the direction of what was valuable about her mothering.

There were some things that were valuable about her parenting. She loved to sing, especially in the car, and especially at Christmas. I loved and inherited this about her without even knowing it because I was always thinking (by way of parental direction) about all the things she was doing wrong.

I get it that parents are human, fallible imperfect humans. I have always known this to be true given how I was raised and what I was conditioned to think about. But I am only just now getting that as a parent (and a human) I do not have to dwell on my mistakes or my shortcomings (don't tell Bill W). It is simple enough to acknowledge them and then let them go.

That being said, I want to be a "good mom" whatever that means. Yesterday at the chiropractor's office, as I am giving her some insight into my family history while she is examining Oak, I find myself in tears. Because I have internalized my mother's retoric and have a tendency to obsess about all the things I might be doing wrong. The chiropractor says "You are doing a good job. He is a happy healthy boy. We all carry 5 generations of our family's Karma with us." I weep away...this is hard. Parenting is such an opportunity for growth...and I have a huge responsibility to adjust what my perspective as the Chiropractor is adjusting my son's spine. I feel relief and Oak sleeps almost 12 hours last night...WOW!

During my last visit with my mom before she died she began a sentence like this "I know you guys think I was a bad mom..." I do not remember what she said after that because I got caught there and stopped listening. At that moment my thinking peeled away from hers. I was 30 years old and finally I could see that it was not me that thought she was a bad mom, at least not originally. I don't think kids just think that on their own at least until they are 12 or so. It was her thought. She doubted herself, but loved us and though I know she did her best, it might have been more effective parenting for you not to point out to us all of the things that she did wrong.

I wonder how this will play out as I continue to parent my boy.

First tooth found in the Land of Exhaustion

We have been working hard for the first tooth this week. And it came through today. All I can say is "finally" then follow it up with a desperate prayer "Please bring a sense of peace around here." It has been a long week with our mild mannered boy shrieking almost constantly and restless and waking repeatedly at night. We are exhausted. I am so emotionally volatile that I was said to be "acting crazy" this morning or last night at whatever time of the day is was that I was supposed to be sleeping, but was instead make futile attempts to console my suffering son. Double ugh!!

And oh how the blood boils at that time in the morning. He's crying and crying and we have had him in our bed. But last night I didn't want to have him in my bed. I wanted him to be in his crib and then when I went to console him, he is reaching for me but I was adamant and volatile and I losing it. I had no idea what lack of sleep would do to me. That getting only two hours of good sleep in a stretch would render me a babbling idiot at times and a raging monster at others. I had no idea how it would feel that to have a beautiful tiny little human in my care and see him suffer so hard. I had no notion of the fact that experiencing his suffering would remind me of my own in such a way as to cripple me.

So far I am rarely the me I imagined I would be when I was a daydreaming pregnant lady. And there in is the problem isn't it...the narcissism...that sticky inherited trait we think everyone has but us. .What is all this thinking about me anyway when I have a baby to care for? Why am I even concerned with myself when it is so clear that I am very well taken care of and very well loved? And more than that what do I do with this information. I pray to all the powers that be that this is hormonal and temporary.

I am happy that we found Oak's first tooth in this here land of exhaustion but it has come at the price of my sanity. But who cares about sanity when there are baby smiles to inspire, baby smiles that will never be this toothless again.

Crazy making mommy brain

Being a mom is a little crazy making. Here is what I mean...

One day the baby sleeps all day and I think "Oh no, he is sleeping all day!! This can't be right. What did I eat or do, or not eat or not do that made this so. Oh no!!!"

And then the next day he doesn't sleep all that much and I think "Oh no!!! He is not sleeping like he was yesterday. What did I eat or do, or not eat or not do to make this so. I must have done something to make this so! Oh no!!!"

It's always this way it seems...until I slow down and remember that as much as I would like to believe that I am in control.

Borrowed Baby Time

The softest whisper of hair

Covers a cantaloupe head

Balanced oh so wobbly

On a sack o'potatoes you

And when you turn to nuzzle

That little knobby nose

Into my neck as we are

Torso to shoulder

Your baby smell intoxicates

My senses and I drink it in

This is borrowed time

This mommy moment mine...

(1 month 1 day old Oak)