We have been working hard for the first tooth this week. And it came through today. All I can say is "finally" then follow it up with a desperate prayer "Please bring a sense of peace around here." It has been a long week with our mild mannered boy shrieking almost constantly and restless and waking repeatedly at night. We are exhausted. I am so emotionally volatile that I was said to be "acting crazy" this morning or last night at whatever time of the day is was that I was supposed to be sleeping, but was instead make futile attempts to console my suffering son. Double ugh!!
And oh how the blood boils at that time in the morning. He's crying and crying and we have had him in our bed. But last night I didn't want to have him in my bed. I wanted him to be in his crib and then when I went to console him, he is reaching for me but I was adamant and volatile and I losing it. I had no idea what lack of sleep would do to me. That getting only two hours of good sleep in a stretch would render me a babbling idiot at times and a raging monster at others. I had no idea how it would feel that to have a beautiful tiny little human in my care and see him suffer so hard. I had no notion of the fact that experiencing his suffering would remind me of my own in such a way as to cripple me.
So far I am rarely the me I imagined I would be when I was a daydreaming pregnant lady. And there in is the problem isn't it...the narcissism...that sticky inherited trait we think everyone has but us. .What is all this thinking about me anyway when I have a baby to care for? Why am I even concerned with myself when it is so clear that I am very well taken care of and very well loved? And more than that what do I do with this information. I pray to all the powers that be that this is hormonal and temporary.
I am happy that we found Oak's first tooth in this here land of exhaustion but it has come at the price of my sanity. But who cares about sanity when there are baby smiles to inspire, baby smiles that will never be this toothless again.
