There were some things that were valuable about her parenting. She loved to sing, especially in the car, and especially at Christmas. I loved and inherited this about her without even knowing it because I was always thinking (by way of parental direction) about all the things she was doing wrong.
I get it that parents are human, fallible imperfect humans. I have always known this to be true given how I was raised and what I was conditioned to think about. But I am only just now getting that as a parent (and a human) I do not have to dwell on my mistakes or my shortcomings (don't tell Bill W). It is simple enough to acknowledge them and then let them go.
That being said, I want to be a "good mom" whatever that means. Yesterday at the chiropractor's office, as I am giving her some insight into my family history while she is examining Oak, I find myself in tears. Because I have internalized my mother's retoric and have a tendency to obsess about all the things I might be doing wrong. The chiropractor says "You are doing a good job. He is a happy healthy boy. We all carry 5 generations of our family's Karma with us." I weep away...this is hard. Parenting is such an opportunity for growth...and I have a huge responsibility to adjust what my perspective as the Chiropractor is adjusting my son's spine. I feel relief and Oak sleeps almost 12 hours last night...WOW!
During my last visit with my mom before she died she began a sentence like this "I know you guys think I was a bad mom..." I do not remember what she said after that because I got caught there and stopped listening. At that moment my thinking peeled away from hers. I was 30 years old and finally I could see that it was not me that thought she was a bad mom, at least not originally. I don't think kids just think that on their own at least until they are 12 or so. It was her thought. She doubted herself, but loved us and though I know she did her best, it might have been more effective parenting for you not to point out to us all of the things that she did wrong.
I wonder how this will play out as I continue to parent my boy.
