Prayer & Altar to Baby's Spirit

Baby Spirit who has so graciously

Chosen me,

to birth thee

We are in this together,

Right now my body your vessel

My belly your home.

The time will come when

Two will be from this one

And when that transpires

with breath and perspire

I pray

For open calm strength

Fierce determination &

Courage of the purest kind.

We will together seek

A moment of primal release

As you come into this world

in your way.

And on that day to see you

and hold you and smell you

will be the very best gift of all.

Pregnant Capoeira

The Momma to be playing one little game

with Mestre Marcelo at 32 weeks pregnant.

I refute my mother's belief that a woman's life is

over once she gets pregnant and

definitely once she has kids.

And here is a link to a YouTube video of myself and another mama to be capoeirista playing a game at 39 weeks. Our due dates were 1 day apart and the babies born about a week apart.

Check it out.

Mandinga Mamas

Want to know more about Capoeira Mandinga?

Click here www.mandinga.org

Mommy as an Explanation

According to this sign, which hung in many of the places I lived with my mom as a child, a mother does not have to have a reason for her actions. She is the Mother, or in this case the "mummy," and therefor has unlimited power to simply state this as fact and justification. Her dear little chickies must then accept this explanation and get over their desire to understand.

Perhaps the idea is that someday the chickies will understand and by then they will have the power to justify in this way.

Stubborn and bratty child that I was, this explanation never really sat with me. It felt forced and lazy when my mother used it. As I enter this world of motherhood, I wonder (as well as commit to observing) just how often I will use it.

All the light you bring.

I am not waiting for this baby

like an eager teenager is not waiting

For her sweetheart to call.

That is to say that I am totally waiting

Twiddling my thumbs and saying

Any day now

Any day now

Any day now!

Which is true

and what can I do

but wait?

Here's something we did

My love & I took this bulging belly to receive a blessing at a Gira (or ritual) of the Templo Guaracy Da Terra. Here they practice the Afro-Brazilian Earth Religion of Umbanda, using song and dance to channel entities who bring blessings and light.

During the darkest of my days I would attend their rituals, understanding little, emoting a lot, and always walking away feeling slightly better.

This temple led me to Capoeira (my first love), which blessed me with my man (my other first love), who put this beautiful baby in my belly (my third first love), and now, however many years later it seems the darkest has passed for the most part. Light has come and it is so nice.

As the three of us approached to receive our blessing I was overcome with a weeping sort of joyful hysteria that takes me in moments of bliss. Greeted with hugs the entity told us that we have all that we need and that our light brought a blessing to the Gira. We were given a candle and a flower to put on our altar to represent that light and for it to fill the our home space and our lives.

I AM SO EXCITED TO RAISE THIS BABY AND LOVE THIS BUDDING FAMILY OF MINE!!!

A great big choice....

My mother attempted suicide multiple times. There is no exact count. She began showing off her scars to me when I was maybe 8 years old and continued to find herself in rehab programs long after I was on my own. It was such a repetitive cycle that it seemed less like a "cry for help" and more like a hobby.

Then I found the "Oh just give up" voice in myself. As life tends to do, it pushed me to the brink of myself. Sexual assault sent me into a serious decline and at that point in my life I found myself at a place where ending it seemed like the only solution to the despair. For the record, I never attempted. I did however turn the idea over in my hand like a shiny sharp object that vibrated with a power that scared the hello out of me. Instead I committed myself to as many healing activities as I could find...using everything that came my way as a lifeline to a place of light again.

It was at this time, in the muckiest, muck of myself that my mother made another of her attempts. I brought myself to the conversation begrudgingly. Putting myself in the motherly role I listened to her story once again and an anger bubbled up in me from so deep I thought I was going to vomit into the telephone.

Who the hell was she to try this again? What the hell does she have to be so tragic about? And why the flicking flack is she using me to get herself through this when I could not do the same with her? Irritated, but with a drive to be the good kid, I told her that death is not an option and that if I don't get to end it neither does she. She found inspiration in this, I slept for something like 3 days.

What I learned from this, is probably something many people already know. It is what really really sunk in for me:

Life is a choice. Since I have the cognitive awareness to understand that at some point I will no longer be bouncing along the universe on this firery ball called Earth, and since I understand that certain actions I take could make that end come sooner, then I have a choice. The choice to live or to die, the choice to thrive or to decline, the choice to grow into something more or to wither into something less.

And I realized that my choice was made a long time before my dark night of the soul descended upon me. For that I am grateful. For my mother I am also grateful, from her tragedy and despair came many a great gift, the most of exciting of which currently is my drive to be a balanced beautiful and loving momma.

A Mother of a Blog; Setting an intention.

My New Baby

As of this posting I am almost 38 weeks pregnant with my first child. We do not know the gender of the baby, thanks for asking. Great mysteries in life should be celebrated and stories told in their time. We chose to wait because we want the opportunity for our little one's story to unfold as it will, as opposed to fantasize ourselves into a place where we can't be present for who our child is. As enlightened as that sounds, we believe deeply that we are having a boy, though the contrary will bring us no less joy and excitement. This blog intends to share that joy and excitement (and the ughs and OMGS) with whatever audience is interested.

For sure, though, I love this little being more than it seems possible to even feel. When the feeling does hit me, you better have a tissue handy cause my face is a flowing faucet and my heart an open hand.

My Late Mother

In January 2007 my mother died, after a short and somewhat tragic life. Much of her tragedy I believe, was self-created; a truth I will explore as this blog unfolds. Her mothering was brilliant, confusing, abusive, neglectful and wrought with many a contradiction. Her favorite thing to say about becoming pregnant with me was that now she "had someone to grow up with." The trouble is I grew up, she did not and when she died I was left with an ominous sense of confusion; the kind that presents itself in dreams as a 10 foot tall faceless beast whose only purpose is to cause dreamers to doubt themselves. Like many mother-daughter relationships it was a complicated one.

The uncomplicated thing about it was that I loved her immensely and she, me. Whether this made the relationship easier or more difficult remains to be seen.

Me

I am the woman in between these two beings. The oldest of my mother's three children, I developed the capacity to care for and rear children while I was still one myself. It is a talent that I have been cultivating and capitalizing on since I began babysitting when I was 11 and continues to this day in various shapes and forms. My way of being with children is both a gift and calling...I believe it comes from something much larger than me. The Divine Mother perhaps?

Becoming a mother is a very exciting time for me. I can think of nothing more I want to do with my life right now then apply all the practice I have had to the bun I got in my oven. That being said, I've got this example in my head that my mother set that can pull me from my center and cause lots of suffering for both myself and those around me. As I enter this next phase of my life I often ask myself "What am I going to do with the mental vestige of my crazy mother and my deep desire to be a loving, connected, and effective one for my child?" I am going to do the very best I can and I am going to blog about it.

Thanks for reading.

V