A Mother of a Blog; Setting an intention.

My New Baby

As of this posting I am almost 38 weeks pregnant with my first child. We do not know the gender of the baby, thanks for asking. Great mysteries in life should be celebrated and stories told in their time. We chose to wait because we want the opportunity for our little one's story to unfold as it will, as opposed to fantasize ourselves into a place where we can't be present for who our child is. As enlightened as that sounds, we believe deeply that we are having a boy, though the contrary will bring us no less joy and excitement. This blog intends to share that joy and excitement (and the ughs and OMGS) with whatever audience is interested.

For sure, though, I love this little being more than it seems possible to even feel. When the feeling does hit me, you better have a tissue handy cause my face is a flowing faucet and my heart an open hand.

My Late Mother

In January 2007 my mother died, after a short and somewhat tragic life. Much of her tragedy I believe, was self-created; a truth I will explore as this blog unfolds. Her mothering was brilliant, confusing, abusive, neglectful and wrought with many a contradiction. Her favorite thing to say about becoming pregnant with me was that now she "had someone to grow up with." The trouble is I grew up, she did not and when she died I was left with an ominous sense of confusion; the kind that presents itself in dreams as a 10 foot tall faceless beast whose only purpose is to cause dreamers to doubt themselves. Like many mother-daughter relationships it was a complicated one.

The uncomplicated thing about it was that I loved her immensely and she, me. Whether this made the relationship easier or more difficult remains to be seen.

Me

I am the woman in between these two beings. The oldest of my mother's three children, I developed the capacity to care for and rear children while I was still one myself. It is a talent that I have been cultivating and capitalizing on since I began babysitting when I was 11 and continues to this day in various shapes and forms. My way of being with children is both a gift and calling...I believe it comes from something much larger than me. The Divine Mother perhaps?

Becoming a mother is a very exciting time for me. I can think of nothing more I want to do with my life right now then apply all the practice I have had to the bun I got in my oven. That being said, I've got this example in my head that my mother set that can pull me from my center and cause lots of suffering for both myself and those around me. As I enter this next phase of my life I often ask myself "What am I going to do with the mental vestige of my crazy mother and my deep desire to be a loving, connected, and effective one for my child?" I am going to do the very best I can and I am going to blog about it.

Thanks for reading.

V